Hi.
I would like to start this post with some talk about fear. I am fortunate enough to know a lot of amazing people who cycle in and out of the coffee shop on a regular basis. Many are in fact, members of my Board of Directors for my chimpanzee sanctuary. Whether they are my regulars or people I'm just meeting for the first time, I love to tell them about my chimpanzee adventures. If nothing else, they hopefully go to CSNW's website and follow the stories of my 7 favorite non-human primates, or at the very least they google how chimps are different than monkeys later that day. The other day, I was dumbfounded by a 10 year old, and her mother who legitimately shocked me. (Which, if you know me at all; is hard to do.)
*Sally, which is of course a code name, came in with her mom the other morning, and we began talking about the zoo and chimps and how I was building my own sanctuary. A topic that is usually received with "wow! That's so cool, good for you!" or some similar comment. Little Sally's reaction however, was no where close to that. She looked at me, straight-faced, literally no emotion and said "aren't you scared it won't happen? My back up plan is accounting" Followed by her mother's comment "What is your backup plan if things don't work out?"
I was like WHAT THE WHAT. I had nothing. I spit out some guttural noises before landing on "Oh, it will happen." And Sally and mom took their drinks and went to school.
Lets be clear. My OCD nonchalantly runs my life. My back up plans have back up plans, I'm always 1 month ahead of schedule on everything, I can't sleep if the house is a mess and I'm always ALWAYS at least 15 minutes early to everything. Now, I'm trying to tame this OCD to a dull roar as I do like to enjoy life sometimes, but there are things I just have to plan for. And when Sally asked what I would do if this didn't work, there was no answer. I will not settle for this not working. The end.
How do I know this whole sanctuary thing is going to work? Well, first of all this is ME we are talking about. I am honestly the most driven person I know, and I'm not the least bit ashamed to say it. I take a lot of pride in my ability to see something I want and get it done. Especially with something so close to my heart as building a sanctuary.
The other reason, and perhaps the biggest reason I know it's going to work is my fear. Now, it's taken me a lot A LOT of years to get fear to work with me and not against me. Fear, regret, embarrassment. All feelings I think are useless unless you know how to work them. I don't even use the words "regret" or "embarrassing" anymore because I have blocked them. Like that weird friend on facebook who just keeps showing up on your feed and commenting on your photos after you swear you deleted them a year ago, I BLOCKED THEM. Think about it for a second: what does regretting something get you? You can't go back and change the past, so why regret anything? USELESS SEE.
The problem with human beings is we let fear control us, instead of using it as a tool. Don't get me wrong, I'm scared. Shitless. Honestly. Starting a non-profit from the ground up with nothing isn't going to be a cake walk. It's not even going to be a walk. It's going to be a crawl. A long, hard, painful crawl. I lie awake most nights envisioning the worst case scenario, and trust me I've been through them all. I would list some here, but they really just make my stomach hurt. Instead of wallowing in my fear, I move through it. I plan for worst case scenarios, but I don't dwell on them, I make decisions that are tough but I know are ultimately the best ones. Fear will devour you, for sure, but only if you let it.
So here's my challenge to you, blog-reader. For the next day, for the next week, for the next month, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE; when you are scared of something, do it. Tell Teddy you love him, go skydiving, read 50 shades of Grey because you are terrified of it, tell so and so you want to take a break, DO WHATEVER YOU ARE SCARED OF. That's exactly how I started. Little things. Taking time off when I was so scared I would look lazy. Dying my hair blonde when most people said it would look bad, telling that person that our friendship was poop. It's hard, sure. But nothing worth while comes easy. Now I'm not saying do all the things I did, it's your journey so everything relates to your life, but try to do something that scares you. Whatever the outcome, I'm sure you'll learn something. Use fear as a tool, not a crutch.
And sidenote, for you mom's out there: PUH LEASE don't strike fear into your kids so early in life! Don't touch the stove it's hot, don't run into traffic, sure. Tell them all about the dangers of those things. But let them dream. Let them want to be actors, musicians, poets, veterinarians. Life is tough already. We don't need to be squashing their dreams at age 10 because it's "risky." LIFE IS RISKY. We don't need backup accounting plans at age 10! We need more mud pies and books at age 10! yikes. We all learn soon enough that back up plans are important, we don't need to rush our youth into accounting, dear lord. NOT ACCOUNTING.
There, off my soap box. Lets talk about Annie Chimpanzee:
Miss Annie! (photo by CSNW)
Some salad bowls with grass, an Annie favorite.
On September 10th, Miss Annie turned 40 and there is no way I could miss it! Annie is pretty shy and has become my "secret friend" as she doesn't like anyone else to know that we are friends. Which is fine with me. I'm in her house, and it's her rules.
A party plate with some chow, baby oranges and a plum !
Miss Annie enjoying her party.
Miss Jody munching on some chow.
Queen Neggie <3
A festive snack in the greenhouse.
And of course the day wouldn't be complete without a walk around the hill with Jamie Chimpanzee + a boot.
In other news, I am almost don't with Level 3 training. I am serving meals BY MYSELF and need a trainer with me for a few more interactions and then I will be done. Very exciting. On Monday Jamie and I took 3 walks around the hill. I love every second of it, even when it's boiling outside. Seeing Jamie get to walk around the hill with the earth beneath her and the sky above her almost brings tears to my eyes every time we are outside together. I can't wait to experience chimps/great apes/monkeys being outside on their own for the first time. BECAUSE IT WILL HAPPEN.
T minus 10 days until Texas for the NAPSA (North American Primate Sanctuary Alliance) conference and I am SO EXCITED. Can't wait to hand out my business cards and meet people who care about primates just as much as I do.
Also, don't forget to check out sokwesanctuary.org
Sorry there's nothing on it yet, using the interwebs is hard. And I'm teaching myself. And working 60 hours a week at 2 jobs. And building a sanctuary. And volunteering at a sanctuary. And planning a wedding. And remembering to spend time with my friends. And not eating.
IDLE HANDS ARE THE DEVIL'S HOMIES OR WHATEVER THAT SAYING IS.
love to you,
B.
